I just need to vent

So…

I don’t know where to start.

Did you guys see my “group” (I’m solo tho’) name? My symbol of resistance against this cursed pandemic?

When I started this, I had one objective in mind, that is to bring even a bit happy time in these dark hours, some of which turns out to upset some people, but overall, what I did is still within my expectation, I archived what I want, and needless to say, I’m happy with it.

Until I’m not.

And today was the day it happens.

The cursed COVID-19 finally caught up with my family; my beloved uncle, the one I respected so much despite our differences, has been called to His side.

When the news came to me, I shed no tears; it’s more like I can’t. The shock was too great.

He’s a great fighter, the most righteous man I’ve ever meet in my life, a role model on how a man is supposed to live his life.

When he first caught the disease, I was like, “oh that virus going to have a bad time against him, he is a former navy, and he currently working as dock manager in my country managed company, he got all the medicine and facility he needs and willpower to fight it, those viruses won’t even have a chance.”

But I was so wrong.

He was a mortal.

And the viruses win.

Somehow, I didn’t feel a bit sad at his funeral. They showed it online to our family, a part of their way of honoring his service for all those years.

But when I finally got my chance to be alone, the feeling comes like a tidal wave.

So, this is what depression feels like? I’m fairly confident that I’m an insensitive person that can brush off a small feeling like that. Today I learned that I’ve been arrogant.

I tried to busy myself by translating some chapters, but the words won’t form in my head.

I tried to watch TikTok, play games, I tried everything to distract myself, but I can’t run away from this sudden feeling of… helplessness.

I don’t know.

This is the second time I’ve ever felt this way.

The first one is when my father suddenly passed away.

Maybe unconsciously, I had already treated my uncle as my second father.

I felt no pain, only emptiness.

Right, I don’t even know what I want to archive by writing this. I just feel that I need to let my tears come out to the point that I can’t shed them anymore.

Right… I don’t even know.

But… I know that I need time.

Hopefully, I could continue as normal ASAP, but as for now, I feel like I needed time to arrange my feelings.

To my reader, forgive me.

The fourth chapter won’t come this week.

No matter how long you wait.

But I believe that I can live up to my motto. No, I WILL live up to my motto.

This will serve as good revenge for that cursed virus, or at least that’s what I feel.

That’s all, I guess; I just need to vent.

Thank you.

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11 Responses

  1. Swarley says:

    I’m sorry for your loss. This pandemic has been difficult for everyone. You translating this book for us is one of my highlights of my week. I really appreciate all the work yo’ve been doing. Just remember everyone deals with grief in different ways and it is okay.

  2. ruri says:

    my condolences, i’m not good with word, just take your time to sorting your feeling, stay healthy and eat plenty.

    • Arxenium says:

      I am signing up just to tell you this. Take all the time you need broski. Loss is hard, and it can color everything in your life with just the wrong outlook. Nothing is funny, nothing makes you feel good anymore. Nothing becomes us. But you are stronger than that. And you know the end destination, no matter how hard everything becomes. You ARE strong. And you WILL make it through this. So take your time my friend, because you have done what you can, and we can wait. 😀

  3. Rena says:

    My condolances for your lose. I kind of understand your feeling because I’m losing my father and brother as well, though it’s because of an accident. Take it slowly, because you deserve the time to mourn your uncle.

  4. mya aila says:

    My condolences. Good luck finding your way. I wish you a good life.

  5. Snow says:

    My condolences. I’m not sure what to say but I understand if you want to take your time and not post anything for awhile. Please take care of your health and come back whenever you’re ready. We can wait. Thank you for your hard work and we really appreciate it.

  6. mi_shiru says:

    I just found your wonderful site and read some 40+ chapters until stumbling into this post. Thank you for your hard work!

    I’ve never been good at dealing with these kinds of things. I’m sorry for your loss. I can’t seem to offer any words of comfort. Take your time to grieve but don’t forget to take care of yourself too. May God bless you and guide you throughout these dark days.

  7. Cheesecookie says:

    I am sorry for your loss. I wish you strength to get through this together with the rest of your family.

  8. Hann Nyy says:

    Hey, I am sorry for the lost and I understand its hard. It’s okay, take your time, we can and will wait for you, no matter how long. So I hope you and your family stay strong. Take care of yourself, and mau you come back better than ever. Here’s a flower 🌻.

  9. Saphti says:

    You did bring happy times in these dark hours. And I am sorry for you have loss a loved one. I don’t know if the phrase “time will heal” is true but I do hope that you can overcome these times of darkness’l and that the empitiness of your heart will be filled. I pray for you uncles soul and the healing of his and your family.

  10. Aleb says:

    Take your time to mourn your beloved uncle…Sorrow is a process and everyone face it diferently.
    Thank you for your work… you are really apreciated😊

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