RANT – About why I was gone for a whole month.

I almost got kicked off my own website, damn it…

The following is just my rant, but here’s the TLDR: I’ve already updated the site schedule so that the chapter is released at regular intervals, and the BOTG and LDM chapters have been updated in Patreon to the most recent chapter.

Cheers, guys, life must go on, and stay happy!

===*

Um…

I’m at a loss for words… But first and foremost… hello… it’s been a while, right?

Still… where do I begin…

Let’s go back to two months ago, when hell began to break loose in my life; it was the most turbulent, violent, and sad days that continued to drain my sanity.

First and foremost, you should be aware that I conceal several facts about my life that, at the time, I felt were inappropriate to share because they had nothing to do with translation (hobby).

My mom was sick, an old age sickness, just the body getting old, and many problems started to arise here and there; it’s been going on for more than 5 years, so you could say I’m used to it.

That is, until three months ago.

It was the time when my mother’s health suddenly deteriorated; the cause is unknown to this day; all I remember is that she was staring at her phone like she was possessed the day before the disaster struck.

And the next day, she was hospitalized, half of her body paralyzed, and the doctor said that a second clog of blood had formed on her brain; I won’t go into details, but my life has been a shambles since then…

I got so busy with so many things at once, big project that I’ve been running, my mother, various small things that I need to handle personally, not to mention the constant toothache that still needs several more treatments, in short, I was overwhelmed, to the point that I got hospitalized too (I think I already told this part before? I’m not sure…), at that time, all I could do was laugh it off, *don’t worry, it can’t get any worse than this*

In someways, I could joke that scp-048-J is real; however, never say those words under any circumstances; you will only make matters worse.

Oh, I got distracted… But let us continue… Anyway, things gradually improved after that, my project went smoothly, my mother’s recovery is progressing well, it did deplete my savings, but nothing is more important than family, and that is a belief I will always cherish.

Despite the hard work and pressure, I was happy; even when disaster struck, it turned out that I could still fight it; I was so proud of that fact that it made me… arrogant.

A month went by without any notable problem, and then the second disaster struck… it was an ordinary normal day, at night, I checked my mother’s blood pressure and made sure everything was fine before putting her to bed. Suddenly, my mother said she was having trouble breathing; being an asthmatic like my mother, I did what I could to relieve her pain, which apparently worked well; she said she started to feel well enough to sleep.

So I stayed by her side and waited for her to fall asleep, taking my time as I always did to ensure everything was fine. It usually takes about two hours before I switch with my helper (to watch my mother) and suddenly strange things happened after 15 minutes I stayed by her side.

She suddenly choked, so I put her in a sit position and hit her back; sure enough, she vomited some saliva and food, and her condition worsened from that point.

Her saturation dropped below 65%, and her body temperature rapidly dropped; not wanting to waste any time, I called a taxi and brought her to the hospital; the first hospital turned us down, saying they didn’t have the ventilator needed to help her; the second hospital thankfully accepted us, but it was probably too late…

With her saturation dropping below 40, the doctor already said some unsettling things to me; I can’t properly translate it to English because it contains an idiom from my language. Anyway, the situation appears bleak; I spent about 12 hours in the hospital before my mother passed away, and yeah, that is… exactly like that… I lost something I wanted to keep… just like that.

This world is unfair, I’ve known that for a long time, but I also believe that hard work will never betray you, which is true, but only for you. The force of nature, the will of heaven, I don’t know what you call them, or perhaps it can be explained simply as ‘bad luck,’ can turn your hard work into a pile of rubble in a matter of seconds.

That’s why you should never be arrogant or have too much pride; the fall does more damage when you’re on a higher pedestal, and it nearly broke me this time.

Or maybe it already has…

Maybe I’m just unwilling to accept it.

So? What is the point of this story? There is none.

It’s just a simple rant, but it feels good for my brain.

My doctor warned me that I needed to express this emotion somewhere; I said [I’m fine], but he was probably aware that I was lying at the time. In fact, I’m not fine.

My work, surprisingly, helped me regain my focus; as I indulged myself in my responsibilities, I managed to bring the broken piece of my jumbled mind into one place; I wonder if someday I will be able to let go of this suffocating feeling; I can only hope.

One thing I noticed was that I didn’t cry after saying my final farewell to my mother in her grave. I can’t cry, no matter how sad I am; I tried watching sad movies, but it didn’t work, and I was a crybaby before this. I used to easily cry over a simple movie, but now it’s almost as if my tear threshold has been greatly increased, and I know my tear gland still works because I can yawn just fine.

It’s strange.

Now the 40 days of mourning has passed(Java Tradition), I feel like it was the appropriate time to move on.  That’s why I post this rant, I actually had already written this rant about a month ago, but at that time, it feels wrong to post my piece of personal life in middle of that turbulence.

Anyway, thanks for reading this rant, and I apologize for not communicating with you for about two months.

I’ve already updated the site schedule so that the chapter is released at regular intervals, and BOTG and LDM have also updated their patreon to the most recent chapter.

Cheers, guys, life must go on, and stay happy!